An American explanation of Soccer, and why you should hate Spain

For those of you who don't know me, this is Joel and I am awesome. Enough introductions? I'll be handling, in part, olympic coverage on the hammer sports blog. I write aclbomb.wordpress.com, where I chronicle happenings on knee surgery. Those who can't do, coach. Those who can't coach, blog.

I'm aware first impressions are important so I'll start with this: I'm an unabashed soccer fan. Played it, watched it, generally enjoy it. I also don't use hair gel or dress in women's clothing. Contradictions I know.

For starters the USA did not qualify for the olympics because we are truly terrible at this sport. It would be easy to tune this one out, but I'll give you a reason to watch it: rooting for Spain to lose.

For those who don't know, Spain has won everything in soccer recently by making the game as boring as possible. I get it why Americans hate soccer when they watch Spain. the average height on the team is 5'5, average weight 120 lbs. These are estimations.

Spain is kind of like Duke: they are the evil empire that runs a system most people despise that is efficient enough to win. Think of everything you hate (or love) about Duke basketball: triple screens for unathletic jump shooters. A college three point line is not all that far away, so coach K designs an offense around taking soft perimiter jumpers. Spain is like that for soccer. They win the majoirty of their games 1-0 because the other team basically doesn't get to touch the ball due to million of tiny Spanish passes.

One thing Americans hate about soccer: the passing. Think of the passing game in soccer as a two yard run in football. Possesion matters, and if defenders are standing in front of the goal passing is the only way to draw them out of position and open up space for your teammates.

Only most teams utilize this passing game like I was talking about, to open up your forwards. This just in, Spain plays NO forwards. It's literally four defenders and seven midfield players. Clog the middle, hold the ball, make sure your games more resemble the Swan Lake than an athletic contest.

If anything I would compare Spanish soccer to the four corner offense of the Dean Smith hey-day. Pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

But fortunately for me, and you, Spain lost early in the tournament, and won't compete for gold.

-Joel