5 Obscure Olympic Sports Update from Week 2

You've heard about Bolt, Women's soccer, and a slew of Kenyan runners, and even my boy Pistorious, who I wrote about before the Olympics started.  Well, back by popular demand, the obscure sports update from week 2 of the Olympics. 

5. Platform diving. What kind of dive can you do from 30 feet? The one where you stand on top of the platform for ten minutes like a little kid before eventually jumping feet first, holding your nose, and hoping your water wings hold up? Don't forget to clinch.

I don't really understand the nuances of this sport other than how much splash you make and that the Chinese girl is so much better than everyone else that its not close. What makes this sport intense though is what happens outside the initial action. This sport shows us that trash talk can transcend language. You climb out of the pool and join the other competitors in the hot tub. The crazy stink eyes and angry body language these divers throw back and forth is awesome, I never knew I could be intimidated by a 4'10 pixie. Jordan and Reggie Miller would be proud.

USA update: We stink at this. 

Also thanks to slowdown technology, you get crazy photo moments like this

I hope you respect my life choice, dad.  

4. Women's indoor volleyball. The amount of force and violence in this sport is impressive. Picture Serena Williams, stretch her out to 6'5, and have her crush a volleyball into some poor Korean's face. That's what USA volleyball looks like. You know the old manta: Bump, set, spike. Only in Olympics its bump, set, destroy. These girls are diving all over the place, have to pop up and are rewarded by getting to cram a volleyball down someone's throat. Baller. Besides the main girl from USA is named Destiny Hooker. Didn't make that up..

I can't watch the men's indoor. Look, if you are 6'10 or above, you should be playing basketball. Put your hands in the air, bother shots, catch lobs, and rebound. That's a 10 year career in the NBA if your 6'10. Know why USA basketball is weak inside (other than Coach K)? Because we have four guys at almost 7'0 who can jump out of the gym and are playing volleyball. Who let that happen?

USA update: Women: Gold. Men: Did not medal.

Kind of like NASCAR crashes without the car.

3. BMX racing. Count yourself among the many (myself included) who were unaware this was an olympic sport. It is what you're thinking. A bunch of grown men riding around a track on little bikes. Elicits words like 'extreme' and 'gnarly'. Only, yes, it is actually gnarly. The track looks like something you would design on excite bike on NES (who gets that reference???): wicked hairpin turns followed by jumps and, just because you are feeling particularly sadistic and enjoy watching the riders crash, that speed bump right where you are supposed to land.

Ever been water skiiing or wake boarding? You know how when you fall it kind of feels like concrete? Well these BMX dudes get those things going about 30-40 mph and are absolutely eating it on ACTUAL CONCRETE, and when you crash people drive over you.

USA update: Didn't we invent stuff like this?

This is NOT photoshoped.

2. Indoor cycling: If you were thinking: 'Joel only likes this sport because it looks like the indoor light cycles from TRON,' you are mostly correct. It is unbelievable to me how fast these guys can go on a bicycle. No part of the track is flat, so its kind of like Skateland USA if the track was titled at a 45 degree angle. Though they lack the dice game.

Anyway. One of the cool things about the Olympics, obviously, is that this is a collection of some of the greatest athletes in the world. As proof of that, these cylcists legs are so big they can barely fit into pants. Seriously.

1. NFL preseason football. Wait, what? You're telling me this isn't an olympic sport. Get out of town.

Again, I hear (and make) the argument all the time that olympic athletes are the best athletes in the world. USA won the olympic medal count, as we usually do, and we did it WITHOUT OUR COUNTRY'S BEST ATHLETES in competition. Aren't we forgetting something? A specific group of athletes who you could put in any sport and they would probably dominate.

Even as an olympic enthusiast, watching preseason football is better than a lot of olympic sports. The skill, altheticism and strategy far exceed most olympic sports. Looking at you sailing, marathon swim, equistrian, sychronized swimming, rythmic gymnastics, etc.

USA update: I love the USA as much or more than you, but can we please go back to being a country divided over sports? If you root for Atlanta, over the next 17 weeks you are my mortal enemy. If you are a Philly fan, your sandwiches taste like garbage, Rocky was a pansy, and your Giggles haven't had a defense since the early 2000s. Get 'em Cam. Come get some. 

Go ahead, pick your sport, guys like Vernon Davis will destroy you.

-Joel